Lessons from FIFA world cup, 2018

All this world cup football watching finally influenced my life. I was walking down the road and a person brushed past me. As he apologised, I threw myself to the ground, did a double flip, rolled around clutching my knees and looked for the referee. #WorldCup #football #funny

https://twitter.com/cerebralsynapse/status/1014064852640280576

Facebook Christianity

Christianity as preached in Facebook is very different from what Christ showed in the Bible. Choose your "book" wisely.

Racist

I'm not racist. The last time I tried being a racist was twenty years ago when I was  a student. I came sixth in a mini marathon and participated in the decathlon just for the heck of it. Don't remember participating in any race after that. I'm definitely not racist.

Sweet guy

I was reading this news article that said that a couple who moved in to a house had to help clean up the items from the previous tenant. To cut a long story short, they found his stinking dead body in a cupboard and it looked like he had been bashed up in the head.
Here is the full story

It turns out that he was no angel and had many crimes he had committed. But you've gotta love his neighbours!
Neighbours described Harris, a repeat offender who had been arrested 11 times on charges that included statutory rape, drug possession and robbery, as a “sweet guy.”

Miss Universe

I firmly believe that the "Miss Universe" contests are rigged. Every year the winner is from Earth. In fact, I have never seen a participant from another place, planet, star or galaxy even qualify. No wonder the aliens ignore us!

Know your hymns

As a 'modern' Christian, I still love hymns. Thats why this message from my friend meant a lot to me.

*Do you know your hymns?*

Dentist's Hymn
- Crown Him with Many Crowns
     
Weatherman's Hymn
- There Shall Be Showers of Blessings    

Contractor's Hymn
- The Church's One Foundation  
 
The Tailor's Hymn
- Holy, Holy, Holy 
  
The Golfer's Hymn
- There's a Green Hill Far Away
   
The Politician's Hymn
- Standing on the Promises 
  
Optometrist's Hymn
- Open My Eyes That I Might See
   
The IRS Agent's Hymn
- I Surrender All    

The Gossip's Hymn
- Pass It On    

The Electrician's Hymn
- Send The Light    

The Shopper's Hymn
- Sweet Bye and Bye    

The Realtor's Hymn
- I've Got a Mansion Just over the Hilltop   

The Massage Therapist's Hymn
- He Touched Me    

The Doctor's Hymn
- The Great Physician    

AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:   

80km/h - God Will Take Care of You  
105 km/h - Nearer My God To Thee  
140 km/h - This World Is Not My Home  
165 km/h - Lord, I'm Coming Home  
200 km/h - Precious Memories

The Indian Lift Etiquette

Random observations from travelling about a million floors up and down elevators in India.
1. Enter first and stand up front close to the buttons. This is a prime spot and is best for hopping out at your floor easily. It doesn't matter if you block other people from entering. Just stare at them if they try to squeeze past. Do the same when people behind you need to get off. Don't budge an inch. As Sheldon says, " This is my spot". When people reach across you to push a button give them dirt looks. They don't have manners.
2. Press both the up and down buttons when waiting at a floor. This will bring the lift to your floor quickly.
3. Press the lift call button multiple times. This activates the superspeed plugin in the elevator and magically brings it to your floor.
4. Hit the door close button as soon as you enter the lift. If you see a person hurrying to make it to the lift, hit the close button multiple times to speed up the door closing and graciously allowing the person to miss the lift. After all, wasting a few seconds of your time is worse than the few minutes you waste of his time.
5. As soon as the lift reaches your floor, hit the door open button. It's best not to leave things to chance in case the door forgets to open.
6. You know that your mobile signal drops when you are in the lift. However it is essential to call someone and shout out "Hello.... Hello..... I can't hear you. I'm in the lift...... Helloooo.... Signal is not clear...... I will call you once I get out of the lift..... Helloooo.....". Make a few exasperated proclamations. The point is to let the other person know that you are rich enough and busy enough to travel in an elevator. Don't bother to call him later.
7. The elevator is a good place to search your pockets and wallet for papers, receipts, stubs and other little things you don't need. Its a great place to drop off what you don't need. Some random person cleans the lift regularly and hence its good to ensure he has something to clean.
8. If you are behind someone when the lift arrives at your floor, the best plan of action to ensure a successful evacuation is to push this person aside and make a grand exit. Requesting him to move works only 99.99% of the time. It's not worth taking that 0.01% risk.
What has been your experience? This is a somewhat exaggerated, slightly sarcastic write up..... maybe. . . . . .

Redeeming an Itunes gift card, voucher or promo code

Locate the code:
If you have a card, peel or scrape the area to locate the code. If someone has emailed the voucher to you, it should be in the email. This is what you will need to redeem and get credit into your itunes store. If the code or voucher was for an app / item you will be able to download it after redeeming the code.

On your iPhone, iPad, or iPod touch
On your device, go to iTunes Store, App Store, or iBooks Store. iTunes Store Gift Card amounts are credited to your Apple ID, so you can use them in any store as long as you sign in to each store with the same Apple ID.
Scroll to the bottom of the Featured section and tap Redeem.
This will give you the option of redeeming by camera (applicable only in some countries) or manually entering the code.

 Enter the code in your card or email in the box and tap "Redeem". After this your Itunes account balance will be topped up. If the code was for an app, you will be taken directly to the download app page.
Its as simple as that!



On your Mac or PC
Open iTunes.
If you’re not signed in, sign in with your Apple ID.
Depending on your version of iTunes, you have several options
a. From the menu bar at the top of your computer screen or at the top of the iTunes window, choose Account > Redeem.


b. Go to iTunes store and scroll all the way to the bottom to locate the Redeem option.

c. Go to iTunes store on iTunes and on the right you may see a Music menu that also has the redeem option

 

Its as simple as that. Enjoy your iTunes balance and use it for anything from music, movies, apps, books and software!

English classes

Would you enrol for the English classes advertised in this text message? If you do call them up, let me know how things pan out! 

Closely scrambled

A screenshot of a couple of my closest games on Scramble with Friends. The game is addictive, but now I have uninstalled it and am not in withdrawal. Didnt need any medications to help me. I must be normal

Ebay seller of the year

I was looking to buy some cables on ebay and came across this seller. Ass trading didn't just sound right. I'll need to get to the bottom of why the seller is called this. Butt I'll probably never find out!

Australian Made

Aussies are very proud of everything they manufacture and make sure they put an Australia Made logo on evrything they make. That is probably why they made sure this cigarette butt disposal bin was appropriately labelled.
Aussies also have an amazing sense of humour - usually intentional.
Maybe thats why the label ended up reading "Australian Made BUTTS ONLY".
I'll leave you to interpret this.

Dishwasher CD

At first glance this looks like the usual listing for a dishwasher tablet. But a closer look reveals that the format is an Audio CD! That must be some squeaky clean music. Oh the fun that wrong categorisation on mazon creates. Entertained me for 10 full seconds. I took another 10 seconds to take the screenshot and a further 30 seconds to blog it. It will entertain you for about 15 seconds. Spread the word and entertain the world!